The past few days have been hard ones for me. I confronted Dylon about his reluctance to meet me halfway on the issue of getting back together-- about his refusal to move off that damned island. To me, it boils down to this: he simply doesn't want to be with me enough to inconvenience himself, even a relatively minor inconvenience such as moving to Sudbury. In light of this, I have told Dylon I want to end our marriage, and he has agreed with almost insulting speed and willingness. The very next day he was prompting me to sign over sole ownership of the truck to him, as if he couldn't erase me from his life fast enough.
I know he's been enjoying himself since I left him. Enjoying the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with no interference from me. Funny thing is, I never stopped him from doing anything he wanted... he reined himself in of his own volition. I wanted to be social; he preferred to stay home. I wanted to spend money; he wanted to save it all. The moment I'm gone, he's buying a new TV and having a half-dozen people over each night. I wonder if he was just being contrary, in a passive-aggressive way? There's certainly no way to know for certain,
It makes me very sad to think of him that way-- having chased me away, living alone, without love or sex or intimate companionship, forever. I can see now that he should never have married me, that it was fated to end this way. He's just too used to having his own way no matter what, to living in peace even if purchased with isolation, simply because it's easier and less messy that way.
Not for me the solitary life. It's fairly evident that I'll go on, find someone else, perhaps even have a few children. I've never been one to remain down for long, and this time will be no exception. I'll give myself a year or so to get over it all-- hopefully-- and move on. I'm rather looking forward to living by myself, with any luck before the year is out, as I doubt it will be possible to live with my grandmother for any length of time without blood being shed.
The car issue is one that is of great concern to me right now. I simply must have one if I am to get anywhere, figuratively as well as literally. How can I obtain a job if I can't get to the interview? And without a job, how can I obtain and furnish an apartment? It all hinges on the transportation issue. My father has said I may buy one of his cars, but I'd have to bring it here from Florida-- an expensive undertaking in itself. If I didn't have to spend money on a car, I could use my $2000 to set up in a flat-- that would at least get me two months and a few groceries as I looked for work. Oh, it's all so awful.